Programming Languages characterised

From the December 1991 issue of Developer's insight... [written by a Pascal-lover, methinks (ed.)]

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

C:

You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++:

You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

Fortran:

You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula-2:

After realizing that you can't accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL:

USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE, THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP:

You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...

BASIC:

Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH:

Foot in yourself shoot.

APL:

You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do in fewer characters.

Pascal:

The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL:

If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid:

You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk:

Put the first bullet of the gun into the left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Motif:

You spend days writing a a UIL description of you foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

XBase:

Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.

Paradox:

Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation:

You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic:

You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you don't care.

Prolog:

You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL:

You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.